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COURTING MRS. HYDE

By Steven Butwell Leave a Comment

Photo Credit: Leo Hidalgo | Flickr (Creative Commons)

It started out small. She would come out with me on the weekends. She gave me the courage to be louder, more bold in my declarations, and even go to the extent of humiliating myself in the presence of my peers. She laughed and cheered alongside me, offering support and courage as I continued in my path of debauchery. I was captivated by her, and she by me. Our relationship was reciprocal. I would show off her potential to be the best motivator in the world; encourager of wiles. I flaunted this new life of freedom, self-abandon and careless speech. She would whisper; “I am with you.” “I love who you are when you are with me.” “Steven, look at what I inspire you to do.” “You’re a complete man with me by your side.” I loved her. I was powerless under her charm. I craved more of her each and every moment. I loved the man I was while she intoxicated me with her smooth words; words of encouragement to continue more into the night. I never stopped to consider who or what I would harm, either physically or with words, all I needed was her word that it was going to be exhilarating and that when the morning came all would be forgotten. I wanted more of her.

Alcohol and I began seeing each other more frequently. What began as weekends of fun turned into five days of fun, with periodic breaks from one another in between. She and I were in many fights, arguments, and even spent a night in jail together. Even so, she remained with me through the toughest times in college, and leading into my twenties, she stuck right by my side almost daily, helping me to navigate through my various pains.

I remember when Alcohol introduced me to her friend: Vicodin. This was her mistake. I ended up falling for Vicodin and shoved Alcohol to the side. Still, whenever I wasn’t constrained to Vicodin, I would call Alcohol, and she would be right there, in the blink of an eye, at my beck and call. She was my faithful friend, my trusted confidant; she was my lover, and I had to have her back. Alcohol quickly forgave the relationship I had with Vicodin, and dove headlong back into our relationship–we became even more intense than before. The near seven months we spent apart didn’t stop her from making a theatrical appearance on my twenty-first birthday. Singing together on stage in front of dozens, we brought the place down with laughter. Later that evening, we even slept outside the door of my house because we were too tired to open it. It was fun when my mom found us the next morning. Oh, what memories we made.

Alcohol had even more of a wild side when she would introduce me to other women. Seducing them with smooth words and laughter, either I would take them home and the next morning not remember who they were, or I would take them to my college dorm where they would leave the next morning, never to be seen again. There were even times when we randomly collided with them by chance, sometimes never obtaining their name. Alcohol showed me just how capable I was of womanizing and she helped me get good at it. 

Our relationship remained hot and heavy throughout my teens and early twenties. However, it slowed to a halt when I met Jesus face-to-face. As a response to him, I put my intoxicating relationship with Alcohol on hold for a good many years. Her voice was silenced and Jesus’ was heard. An irritated Alcohol would make attempts to seduce me back into our old ways. The harder I pushed her away, the stronger her next attempt to woo me would be. The harassment continued through my mid-twenties. Whether I was on a mission trip overseas, preaching and distributing food on the streets in Hawaii or living in Sri Lanka as a missionary; it didn’t matter where I was, incessantly she would whisper in my ear, or send me messages. Her obsession knew no bounds.

The move from Sri Lanka to California introduced me to my future wife. Alcohol turned fierce, fiery, relentless and insanely jealous of her. I firmly stated she wasn’t a part of my life anymore, and she reluctantly conceded. I was married on September 30, 2012. As my wife and I grew closer, of course, Alcohol would check in. She would ask questions like: “How is your wife treating you?” “Is she encouraging you enough?” “Can you be vulnerable with her like you were with me?” “Does your wife have the qualities of an intimate lover, a trusted confidant?” I would answer: “My wife and I are in love. Our relationship is strong, in Christ, and with each other.” Nevertheless, Alcohol found a kink in my armor. In a moment of weakness, Alcohol convinced me that my wife wasn’t enough. So, we rekindled our relationship, again. The encounters were one night stands. Nearly every time we met my wife caught us. The affair broke my wife’s heart, breaking mine. I had to put Alcohol in check, establishing a boundary that Jesus, my wife, and my marriage were more important to me. I was setting a new course for my life, one of a hope and a future. An unenthusiastic Alcohol conceded and our relationship ended once again.

Not long ago, Alcohol contacted me asking specific questions regarding intimacy: “Is the sensation as exhilarating as when you and I would live out wiles of youth?” A foolish Steven confided in Alcohol. The intimate confessions resulted in Alcohol coming over July 27, 2015, and the affair resulted in my wife leaving. Consequently, l shattered. I was utterly devastated, broken, humbled, and ashamed of what I had put my wife through. Yet again, I was powerless over Alcohol’s smooth enticements. A relationship that had started out as weekends of fun, lead into weekdays of merrymaking, and ended in co-dependency, and misuse. The abuse had finally caught up with me.

The anger of being found out by my wife drove me back into Alcohol’s arms the next day, and another to follow. Despite our affair being uncovered, and a loss of employment due to my lack of responsibility, these hiccups didn’t deter me from running back to her for consolation. She was always an incredible comforter, even though frequently her words would leave me with a headache. The headaches didn’t bother me. I was addicted to her, so I endured the pain.

As my actions had culminated at a dreadful place, I had every intention of ending my affair with Alcohol at the end of July 2015. I stayed away from Alcohol for a solid three months, even though she beckoned me each and every day. I was determined to work through the damage that Alcohol and I had done to my marriage and relationships. Even so, after a solid period of sobriety, she again seduced me through the anger I had harbored. I see now (they say hindsight is 20/20) how seething I really was. A man filled with insurmountable anger, resentment, hurt and fear. But Alcohol would always provide solace, comfort, and temporary relief from the pain. Yet again, the relationship between Alcohol and I backfired. Our actions landed me in a pit. Feelings of shame and guilt plagued me. Thoughts kept replaying in my head of what I had done, said, and put my wife and others through. I was full of regret; tired of being sick and tired.

I started the painful process of making amends to those I hurt. Like a battered dog, I crawled back to the people I had put through nights of anxiety, some even fearing that I had taken my own life, and gave them the same sob story: “I won’t do it again,” a lie that had been perpetrated countless times before. I deceived those I claimed to love, again. I hid Alcohol with ease, or at least my twisted mind thought I did. I was good at manipulating people and proud of this. Today, I am appalled at the man I was. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Steven Butwell: a strange case indeed.

I aired my dirty laundry. My affair with Alcohol was now public knowledge. We disclosed the true nature of our business days prior to Christmas 2015 to both friends and family alike. I decided since Alcohol was out of the picture that I would contact an old fling: Vicodin. Some were aware of our history but didn’t realize how intense we had gotten. She and I have much more a history than I ever let on. In fact, she and I concealed our secret so well, no one ever was the wiser. We were together nearly every day I could get my hands on her. Like Alcohol, Vicodin was causing dependency. I would have withdrawals when I wasn’t with her, unlike Alcohol, she made my body shake.

A jovial Vicodin was eager to touch my lips again, and a month of dissipation ensued. Almost as soon as it started, she ran out on me near the end of January 2016. So, I contacted Alcohol again. Little did we know, this would be our last four day stretch of indecency together. Our reignited romance, more intense than before, set off shock waves through family and friends. Like a stone being thrown into a still pond, the ripples started off small and expanded across the scape of my life. I found myself quitting a position I had held for four and a half years, ruining relationships, causing and shedding tears, sleepless nights, threats of violence, and countless moments of anxiety to both myself and others. I was killing myself, and the hearts of others. This toxic relationship had festered long enough. It was time to end the sixteen-year marathon. I was tired of running.

It was time for a change. Sadly, a change I had promised countless times before. The boy who cried wolf; Steven Butwell. Alcohol (and Vicodin), having played a divisive, and predominate role (a choice I equally made) in severely damaging (but not destroying) my witness for Jesus, my marriage, my closeness with Jesus, countless personal relationships, numerous family relationships, loss of two jobs (one of which I was confident was my career), trust, integrity, character, body, mind, personality, spirit, loss of a beloved home I shared with my wife, and much more. In the end, loved ones, a beautiful orchestration by Jesus, and a willing heart to change is what landed me in treatment. The sixteen-year love affair that started out small and became a monster was over.

This decision to call it quits was not without consequence. As they say: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn.” Hell. A hopeless place with descriptions varying from “an unquenchable fire,” “a place of torment,” “a pit, or abyss,” “a gloomy darkness,” and a place where there will be “weeping and gnashing of teeth” for all eternity. All are true. I relate to the weeping and gnashing of teeth; a symptom of my self-inflicted grief.

The moment I made the conscious choice to finally put Alcohol out of my life, my own personal hell and my road to the cross, and death of self, began. The woman scorned unleashed a relentless attack of guilt, shame, condemnation, and failure. Once a trusted friend, now a tenacious adversary. Alcohol had now lifted up her heel against me and brought me to a new low by reminding me of all the times I had lied and cheated others of knowing the truth. The truth that for so long I had hidden this secret love affair.

Leaving Alcohol meant exposing my true hurts and fears to myself and to others. I had used her as I had used countless others, but in her case, I had used her to bury and push away those issues that so desperately needed to be dealt with. The secrets were killing me, and simultaneously, I was allowing my love affair with Alcohol to kill me. The amount of energy spent on covering up the lies was draining. She used the words, the actions of friends, co-workers, my marriage (and pending divorce), and family members against me in an attempt to lure me back. She used my deep hurts against me, my worst fears, my actions, and thoughts. The fear of abandonment and rejection, all used as tools to chisel away at my very soul.

Dumping Vicodin was no different. She attempted to offer solace and reminded me that she was right around the corner if I wanted to pick her up. Vicodin reminded me of how many times she had seemingly refueled me with fleeting comfort. I wanted so badly to take her up on the offer. So many times before she had taken away the hurt and fear, but in reality all she did was make it worse and force me to perpetuate an even bigger lie, to myself, and to others.

I knew the only way to escape their continual nagging was to surround myself with, openly confess to and be brutally vulnerable with people of like mind who had experienced similar love affairs. It didn’t matter if their affair was with Alcohol, Heroin, Meth, Xanax, Marijuana, or Vicodin. All our affairs brought us to the same place: treatment. People from all different walks of life, who were spinning themselves an intricate web of lies that even if they wanted to find the origin of their lies, it would be an effort made in vain. Much like them, I myself didn’t necessarily know what was true anymore. The only truth I knew was that I needed help to break this vicious cycle of addiction that had accrued a number of casualties, myself included.

In detoxification, Alcohol’s attempts to draw me back into the poisonous relationship were relentless. Vicodin was shameless. Awful sleepless night of loud whispers returned: anxiety over all the loved ones we had hurt, withdrawals from their intoxicating effects, memories of our escapades. Working together, these mistresses of mine reminded me of the countless failures I had incurred, and taunted me with the question “How could you have ended up here?” “You’re not an addict, are you?” The constant outpour of shame, guilt, and condemnation nearly crippled me. The two sporadically taunt me with soft whispers to return to their side to this very day.

A healthy relationship with Alcohol is suitable for many. A toxic abuse of that relationship is another story. I personally abused alcohol and it took a toll on my life. This doesn’t mean all people will. Jesus doesn’t condemn the use of alcohol (see John 2:1-11, 1 Timothy 5:23). He does condemn the impairment alcohol can and will cause if overly abused — drunkenness, debauchery, and the like (see Ephesians 5:18, Romans 13:13, Luke 21:34, Galatians 5:19-21, 1 Peter 4:3, 1 Thessalonians 5:7-8) — all of which I lived and experienced. I allowed Alcohol to provide me relief from life’s sorrows, temporary relief from my hurts and my pains. I drank up her words to bury what I myself didn’t want to face. I used her (and Vicodin) to run from my fears. I have never had a healthy relationship with either Alcohol or Vicodin.

Jesus died to abolish sinful repetition. God the Father desires us to be dependent upon him, and him alone. I put Alcohol and Vicodin in the place of God; who gave all for me. They were what I drew encouragement from. They gave me solace, strength, courage, and relief from life’s trials and tribulations. Jesus said; “In me you have peace” (John 16:33). I had made Alcohol and Vicodin idols, and God loves me too much to leave me worshipping false gods. I now place him at the forefront of my life, giving him all the praise, glory and honor due him.

Alcohol or Vicodin are just things. They have no inherent value. Jesus graciously gave them to us to be used in a responsible manner, whether enjoying a celebration, treating certain ailments, or improving our overall health. Drunkenness and abuse are the issues: dependance upon them to get you through the day. The good news is, we have Christ to lead, guide, and give us the strength that has always been obtainable through him and his promises. The strength that I relied on Alcohol and Vicodin to provide for so many years.

I willingly entered rehabilitation to purge Alcohol and Vicodin from my life. I reflect on this daily: the resurrection couldn’t happen without the crucifixion. The crucifixion was ugly and torturous. It was also necessary. Necessary to offer freedom. Freedom for those whom have been held captive for so long in their vices, their secret love affairs, their addictions, their sin. Jesus set the captives free by becoming a captive for us and dying on the cross. Because Jesus lives, I can live (John 14:19). Steven needed to die in order to live. Jesus told his disciples (as he does today) “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul” (Matthew 16:24-26)?

Entering treatment was humbling. It meant denying myself. Taking up my cross. Following Jesus. Saving my life. Finding life. So, what have I got to lose? 

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New Identity | Exploring Faith
With our busy get-up-and-go lifestyles, it might s With our busy get-up-and-go lifestyles, it might seem more difficult than ever to find time for God or where we can fully make time for the essential aspects of the Christian life like prayer and Bible reading. Yes, like working out or eating healthy, it comes down to the priority and importance of those things in our lives and whether or not they’re important enough to us. At the end of the day we will make time for the things that are most important to us in our lives. Though God is not a “thing” to be fit into our schedules, I believe it’s more than possible to make a place and priority in our lives for connection with him.⁠
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“Hear another parable. There was a master of a house who planted a vineyard and put a fence around it and dug a winepress in it and built a tower and leased it to tenants, and went into another country. When the season for fruit drew near, he sent his servants to the tenants to get his fruit. And the tenants took his servants and beat one, killed another, and stoned another. Again he sent other servants, more than the first. And they did the same to them. Finally he sent his son to them, saying, ‘They will respect my son.’ But when the tenants saw the son, they said to themselves, ‘This is the heir. Come, let us kill him and have his inheritance.’ And they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and killed him. When therefore the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?” They said to him, “He will put those wretches to a miserable death and let out the vineyard to other tenants who will give him the fruits in their seasons.”⁠
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Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures:⁠
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“‘The stone that the builders rejected⁠
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Therefore I tell you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people producing its fruits. And the one who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; and when it falls on anyone, it will crush him.”⁠
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When the chief priests and the Pharisees heard his parables, they perceived that he was speaking about them. And although they were seeking to arrest him, they feared the crowds, because they held him to be a prophet. [Matthew 21:33-46 ESV] || For more of these eventful 24-hours for Jesus, read Matthew 21:20-25:46.⁠
"I wanted to take my own life. It was a dark and s "I wanted to take my own life. It was a dark and scary time, and it was only God who prevented this act from occurring.  When I was going through this period of anguish and anxiety I did not think that I would ever again enjoy the sunshine as God meant for me to enjoy it. Yet it was this dark pit, devoid of any light or even an atom of hope, that brought me to the place where I was able to reach for light from the only true source of eternal light."⁠
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📖⁠ On the following day, when they came from 📖⁠
On the following day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry. And seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to see if he could find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs. And he said to it, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard it.⁠
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And they came to Jerusalem. And he entered the temple and began to drive out those who sold and those who bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold pigeons. And he would not allow anyone to carry anything through the temple. And he was teaching them and saying to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations’? But you have made it a den of robbers.” And the chief priests and the scribes heard it and were seeking a way to destroy him, for they feared him, because all the crowd was astonished at his teaching. And when evening came they went out of the city. [Mark 11:12-19 ESV]
How do I get my life together when it seems like a How do I get my life together when it seems like a mess?” That is how I translate Psalm 119:9. Most English language Bibles use something similar to the NIV’s translation of “How can young people keep their way pure?” However, I am no longer a young man, and the word “pure” does not seem to apply to all of the ways that I feel like I stumble. For me, the word “pure” sounds like it has more to do with a priest in the book of Leviticus getting ready for a ceremony. I am also not an ancient Israelite priest. Instead, when I think of the ways I fail in my own life, they are more akin to what Paul describes in Romans 7, when he says, “what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”⁠
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"Holy Week, a central point of remembrance during "Holy Week, a central point of remembrance during the Christian calendar, focuses upon the death and resurrection of Jesus. This is no surprise. Had Jesus not risen from the dead, our faith would be useless, and we would still be guilty of our sins (1 Cor. 15:17).⁠
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Holy Week helps us reflect upon the last week of Jesus’ life. There are a number of ways that Christians celebrate Holy Week, but there is a common commitment to expressing deep gratitude for Christ’s death and celebration of his resurrection! –@lukegeraty in Elevating Easter⁠
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Join us each day this week to read Scripture and see what each day was like in the life of Jesus, leading up to his death and resurrection. It's a good way for us to be present and remember what took place those many years ago.
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Everyone has experienced a “wilderness season” Everyone has experienced a “wilderness season” before, perhaps more than once. A wilderness season is when you feel stuck or lost in a difficult situation, and your only options are to endure patiently and wait with the expectation that the situation will eventually pass or be resolved. For some people, this period may last a few days, for others it may last years—or for so long that it feels like it will never end.⁠
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Sadly in our world today, kindness has lost its va Sadly in our world today, kindness has lost its value. But as we see from some of the examples in Scripture, kindness is to be shown in all of our interactions with others. It is a gift from God through the work of the Holy Spirit, and taught by Jesus Christ. We can no longer walk past. Now, more than ever, we need to bring kindness back. We have to especially show the younger generation’s constant examples of kindness. We can hold the door for one another; allow someone to go ahead of us in line. Smile with compassion at the clerk whose line is one person too long and everyone is staring at him or her as if it’s their fault. ⁠
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Charles Swindoll writes, “Wisdom isn’t somethi Charles Swindoll writes, “Wisdom isn’t something that is exclusive to those who have exceptional IQs or advanced degrees. Rather, wise behavior in the eyes of the Lord comes as a result of obeying the Lord’s commands.” Resist the urge to think that a smart person with a lot of knowledge is wise. Author Paul David Tripp says there “is a huge difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is an accurate understanding of truth. Wisdom is understanding and living in light of how that truth applies to the situations and relationships in your daily life. Knowledge is the exercise of your brain. Wisdom is the commitment of your heart that leads to transformation of your life.” ⁠
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"Discovering God’s will and finding direction fo "Discovering God’s will and finding direction for your life from God is like the lead and follow of dancers. God’s the lead. You are the follow and must know the lead and respond to him."⁠
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"The Creator of the Universe promises to be with y "The Creator of the Universe promises to be with you. You’re not alone. You’re his. And as long as he has work for you to do on this earth, you’re immortal. Sparrows don’t hit the ground without his knowledge, and the hairs on your head are numbered. He’s got you."⁠
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"If Jesus is speaking with subordinates, those wit "If Jesus is speaking with subordinates, those without power, he is instructing them to actively and non-violently make the statement that they are also human beings worthy of dignity. To turn the left cheek after being backhanded on the right was a statement of human dignity."⁠
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We're happy to announce that the Fall/Winter 2020 We're happy to announce that the Fall/Winter 2020 Issue is out today! There are some great articles inside that we hope you'll love! Enjoy! 🤗 #linkinbio⁠
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“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it th “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” – Haldir⁠
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In Lothlorien, Haldir is encouraging a downcast Fellowship with a glimpse of the larger story in which they find themselves. His words reflect the apostle Paul’s encouragement to the church, that we “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope” (1 Thess. 4:13). For there is a form of grief from which there is no recovery – one in which there is no resurrection of the dead. If death is the final word, then we must suffer grief without hope, grief that diminishes our love for life because of the crushing weight of the loss we’ve experienced. But Tolkien believed that death was not the end; therefore, we may experience the beautiful juxtaposition in our own lives of deep sorrow mixed with rivers of joy. Instead of crippling us, our grief may actually help to cultivate in our character the virtues of faith, hope, and love that are necessary to continue to carry our heaviest burdens. ⁠
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✍🏽: @slimkeman in "Memorable Middle Earth"  Continue reading at newidentitymagazine.com⁠ by visiting the link in our bio and tapping on the image.⁠
#faithhopelove #lotr #thefellowshipofthering #thelordoftherings #middleearth
The Bible stresses that despite our differences we The Bible stresses that despite our differences we are called to love each other above our political positions. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14). You may feel like how politics and religion intersect in the public sphere communicate the exact opposite of this, and you’d be right. Media outlets report drama and conflict. Gracious and loving political opponents are not newsworthy.⁠
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✍🏽: Matthew Hamilton in "Our Identity In Christ Is Always Greater"  Continue reading at newidentitymagazine.com⁠ by visiting the link in our bio and tapping on the image.⁠
📷: Photo by Lum3n from Pexels⁠
#politics #voting #love #loveyourneighbor #loveyourneighbornotmattertheirpolitics
The trees, with their bark, the skin of the forest The trees, with their bark, the skin of the forest, with its scars and wrinkles, lean toward me, and brush me with their limbs. The leaves beg me to examine their veins. “Have you seen this?” Each different, but each spectacular. The infinite busy creatures. The carpet of green, the dome of blue.⁠
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A few moments later, I feel like an amazing creature in a world amazingly made. I feel the astounding power of God, where the smallest thing around me, a leaf, an ant, is more complicated, and alive and amazing than anything humanity has ever thought of.⁠
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Really, there is nothing like it. The author C.S. Lewis noted that the best place to take a non-believing scientist or a real thinker is nature.  Eventually the noise of God in nature is deafening.⁠
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Once you’re in that place, just a few minutes into your walk, your mouth will hardly be able to keep from pouring out praise to God. It becomes so easy. Connecting to God like that, in praise, as a consequence of observing nature, is so freeing and so empowering that you will return to your office balanced and ready, clear headed and encouraged.⁠
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The prayer that most blesses God, most blesses the one who prays it. And there is almost no easier way than from within the sanctuary of nature, which itself raises up its branches to him in prayer with every sunrise.⁠
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✍🏽: Tom Koel in "Muting The Noise of the World - Deconstructing The Prayer Hike for City Dwellers"  Continue reading at newidentitymagazine.com⁠ by visiting the link in our bio and tapping on the image.⁠
📷: Photo by Lum3n from Pexels⁠
#prayerhike #prayerworks #prayandpraise #prayerwalk #timewithgod #prayerchangesthings #heispraiseworthy #faithjourney
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